How zombies find humans in darkness (or a zombie food review)

For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Paul Rierson and I am a zombie. The crib notes about me are that I worked for the Ohio Department of Transportation when I caught the Pelican Flu and died. Then I came back, had a whirlwind of a time and got married a few months later. Also, an undead cat named Charlotte and my personal secretary, Paul Demarti, are my constant companions. Mr. Demarti types my notes and even helped me compile them into a book of sorts, Memoirs of the Walking Dead: A Story from the Zombies Point of View. It is a book about how I survived the flu that killed me. Without Paul, I doubt any of this would’ve been written.

(Scribe’s notations: Anything in parenthesis is my, Paul Demarti, opinion. With that said, damn right this wouldn’t have been written, the undead can’t write worth crap. This fool caught me, pigging out on baked beans at a convenience store during the battle of Toledo and “saved” me by taking me prisoner. Since then it’s been overcooked Spam, freezing showers and chains as far as the eye can see. But seriously, what he has to say may help keep you from being caught like a dummy and being made to write drivel like this.)

A lot has been said about the undead in movies and the like. Some of it’s true, but most of it isn’t. Case in point, our sight is the most inaccurately portrayed thing in living dead movies. Our eyes may look cataract ridden but that’s just because of the lack of blood flow. We aren’t blind. In fact, we can even see much better than you in the dark. The Pelican Flu may have dampened our daytime vision but come nighttime, look out. What we’ve lost in daytime vision is made up for in spades in the nocturnal hours. As it turns out, to us humans have very distinct colors about them. The colors are visible at all times, but once the sun sets those colors make you all stand out like living torches.

Now, before you new age joker’s start to thinking you were right about auras, I want you to know you were only half right. Every human has an aura, but it’s dependant on how well you’ve cared for your self. That whole “treat your body like a temple” thing was worth paying attention to. (Me again: It was pitch dark in the store the night he found me. He says I had a nice red color. A walking triple bypass burger is what he called me. My night vision goggles had nothing on his meat-o-vision.)

The Zombie Food/Human Tint Color Chart is:

• Orange – the preferred meat
• Blue – good, but not as good as orange
• Red – serious meat eater
• Light Green – Vegetarian
• Dark Green – Vegan
• Purple – fatty meats
• Yellow – sickly meats
• Pink – alcoholic
• Silver and Gold – pure and off limits
• Magenta – liar

Most zombies prefer (He means him, don’t be fooled.) orange. Orange is that rare human that exercises well and eats right. When you eat right, we eat right. Get it? (Sorry, he loves bad puns.) The reason why we latched onto military personnel in the early days was because they were close, bountiful and delicious! If you were trapped in a hospital back then you may have seen us pass over a dozen humans on crutches to get to a soldier. It makes sense if you think about it. Say you look at a menu and see a loaded cheeseburger for the same price as a dinky Mickey D’s hamburger, which one would you pick? That’s my point.

Blue’s good but the meat isn’t as tender as an orange. These people eat right but need more exercise. Come on guys. Would it kill you to exercise a little bit more? Blue tints are so close to orange that it’s painful to think of what you could’ve been. (What a jerk. That’s all I can say to this.)

Red is the third most desirable color on the list. Red means you’ve had a diet that’s consisted of a little too much meat. Paul here was a serious meat eater when I found him. I could smell all the steaks and hot dogs he’d consumed in his life well before I saw him. (Okay, I’m creeped out. He’s got his eyes close and I’m worried.) Now, Paul has a nice yellowish blue green tint to him. (Wait, what?) I’ve never seen that before. (He’s never seen that before?!?!?!?) Paul’s tough, though. He’ll be okay. (WTF? What the hell’s he talking about?!?!) Red’s a good color but over time it can give the undead digestive problems. It’s not balanced enough. (I’d like to balance a brick thirty or forty times against his freaking head!)

There are two colors of green and both taste like a bad joke. Light green people are vegetarians and dark greens are vegans. Both are horrible in my opinion. I didn’t like my greens when I was a human and I hate them now that I am zombie. (You’re killing me, dude. You’re freaking killing me.) Both shades of green have a harsh undertone of bad Hamburger Helper with day old boiled cabbage. These people need a few good burgers in their lives. Honestly, their diets are probably the only thing that is keeping them safe.

I personally shy away from purple people. I am not a purple people eater. (Bad pun, again.) Allow me to dispel another common mistake in zombie mythology. Zombies do not love fatties. We descended on the fatties at the onset because of what they are, slow and it looks like there’s enough to go around. Purple people actually have very little meat to them. By definition it is pretty obvious what they are made up of. Fatties give me gas anyway.

Yellow is the color most of us avoid. It is the color of the sick, dying or old. It’s obvious why we stay away from the sick or dying, yuck, and old people are like eating beavers. The meat’s tough and stringy to boot like beef jerky. I’m serious about this. Yellow is bottom of the barrel eats.

Now a nice after dinner delight once you’ve consumed an orange is a pink. They’re like a fine brandy after a gourmet meal. Pinks are alcoholics. These idiots have drank so much in lives that their very bones are pickled in booze. The statement is true when you say that someone is pickled as an analogy for them being drunk. Eating a pink person gives us the same kind of buzz that the living get from drinking. Make no mistake; I’m a social pink eater. Not a pinkaholic.
Silver and gold are two tints that have no differences between them. They are pure. Animals and living pre-pubescent children have these tints. Anything in those tints is so far off limit that it’s a capital offense to eat one. Very rarely do we kill each other but if you eat a silver or gold your life is forfeit. (That’s the only thing I can stand about living amongst these things. If you hurt a kid or an animal then you’re dead. That’s it. It’s that simple. It should be universally that simple, too.)

The last color is the most unusual to us. We can’t explain it. It is the only color to show up because of an emotion. The color is Magenta and it means that you are lying. I saw a lot of this during the early days of the plague. Some humans were trying to convince other humans that everything was all right. The brighter the magenta was the bigger the lie. As usual, most of the big liar’s were news anchors.

And there you have it. That is how the undead see you. Those of you that have survived should find out what color you are. You might want to rethink the way you live your life and become a vegan if you aren’t already and if you can stand it. Until later, stay delicious! (To Hell with that! Stay uneaten!)