Inquests Of The Dead

(Or “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Zombies, But Didn’t Have The Brains To Ask”)

It was on a Saturday in September of 1978, September 2 to be precise, that my life changed. I was a young man of seventeen years then, and my friend Joe Hammond and I went to the local cinema to see what was playing. I was a horror film fan, having grown up with the Universal classics and the more recent Hammer entries into the genre. When I was around ten I used to build models of the Frankenstein monster and the Wolf Man, and read “Famous Monsters Of Filmland” religiously. So when I saw that a new film entitled, “Dawn Of The Dead” was opening our decision as to what to spend our money on was made. That’s how I ended up attending the first screening of this seminal masterpiece.

As I watched the film I was mesmerized, I had never witnessed anything this graphically violent, this brutal. It was an epiphany for me as to what horror could be and could become. Even then I recognized the flaws in the film: the level of the acting, the ludicrousness of what I now consider a perfect soundtrack. All I knew then was that I loved it, and I went back and watched the film three more times. It was though I wanted to burn it into my memory, and you pretty much had to back then. At the time the video cassette recorder had just recently been released. The price to own one was between $800.00 and $1000.00, and no one was renting such an expensive piece of equipment yet. I doubted that it would be shown on television anytime soon, and if it was it would have a running time of about ten minutes after they removed the violence. How strange it must seem to the youth of today that you couldn’t just watch a film whenever you wanted.

Having watched “Night Of The Living Dead” a few years earlier on late night TV I realized this must be a sequel. A little research confirmed this. (I had to leaf through individual back issues of horror magazines, how I wish we had google then). This was how my long affair with the zombie film genre began.

We have to jump ahead a decade now. VHS has won the format war, the VCR is affordable enough that most homes have them, and there are finally enough titles released that a new player has entered the game – the video rental outlet. Many movies are readily available. The more obscure, and the cult films have been released, but can be very hard to find. I have developed a friendship with a man through work named Steve Vetter who also loves horror films, and zombie films in particular. We decide one day to watch every zombie film we can get our hands on. What we didn’t count on were the trials and tribulations that such a proposition would pose. Steve ended up getting memberships at around forty video stores, the amount of driving was ridiculous. Calgary, Alberta Canada is a large city, bigger in square miles than New York. Sometimes we would drive across town to a video store only to return empty handed. In the end though we did what we set out to do, we watched every film about the living dead that was available to us at that time. Granted these films didn’t exist in the sheer numbers that they do today. There were only around forty made, and many were the classic Italian films. One day we were watching “Redneck Zombies”, if memory serves, and it occurred to me that we should be writing down our thoughts on these individual films with hopes of maybe one day turning it into a book. I always thought that the time would come when there would be a massive renaissance of the genre. I later sat at the typewriter, and began “James And Steve’s Zombie Movie Rating Guide”.

Now it is almost 2012. The movie rating guide is now on the web since May of 2011, we have reviewed over two hundred zombie films, and there are still over a hundred to do. It is a work in progress. Why am I telling you all this? I wanted to establish my credentials for the reader, so they know that the following “open letter” to any would be zombie film maker is not written by some average enthusiast who truly believes that “28 Days Later” is the best zombie movie ever made. Rather it is written with long consideration by someone who allows himself the conceit of being an expert and lover of the art of zombie cinema.

There are well over three hundred genre films floating around out there, with the majority of them being complete and utter shit. It matters not one whit whether they are studio or amateur productions the ratio is the same. Sadly, the rule of thirds doesn’t even apply in this case, I can count on my hands the number of great films, and maybe triple that for the passable in the eaters genre. That’s forty out of three hundred. We are in the midst of that renaissance that I spoke of earlier, zombies are everywhere – their popularity soaring. Never before have the undead had the spotlight in film, literature, television, and video games they enjoy currently. Here is what I think has to be done so that this trend continues in the cinema.

1.) Quality over quantity. In this case less is definitely more. Any idiot can pick up a HD camera and film what he believes is the next big walkers classic with his buddies. Please don’t. Better film makers with better ideas have tried with little or no success. When you employ sub standard actors and effects you are doing a disservice to the viewer and yourself. If your idea has merit a studio will look at your spec script, let them fuck it up. Best example of low budget attempts: “Zombies, Zombies, Zombies”, and “The Dead Next Door”. Worst examples: “Zombies Gone Wild”, The “Deadlands”, and “Zombie Diaries” series, and others far too numerous to mention.

2.) Stop the remakes. There has never been a remake of a zombie film that was anywhere near equal to the original. Come to think of it the only ones that get this treatment are the Romero films. Make your own zombie film if you must (see above) but have the decency to call it something else. It pisses me off when film makers try to cash in by making a film that in no way resembles its namesake just to cash in on George’s good name. I will say that the “Dawn Of The Dead” re-imagining would have stood on its own merit, and wouldn’t have had to face Romero fan derision if it had called gone by a different name. The worst example: “Day Of The Dead” 2008. The best example: there is none.

3). Use traditional special effects whenever possible. CGI is a wonderful thing in that allows us to see zombie hordes in numbers that were previously impractical to film makers. It also allows for a level of decay or dismemberment when done properly that is phenomenal, think “The Walking Dead”. It should not however be used to replace gun fire, head shots, etc. The most recent example of bad CGI violence that takes you right out of the movie was ScyFy’s atrocious “Zombie Apocalypse”.

4). Go for the gore. A huge part of zombie film enjoyment is for zombie/human destruction; blood, brains, and intestines on prominent display. Therefore it dismayed me immeasurably to learn that “World War Z” is going for a PG-13 rating. This movie is the most ambitious genre film ever attempted, and I believe that its success or failure will have a major bearing on the continued popularity of this entire film genre. A success means that studios will be more likely to green light large budget zombie films, while failure will indicate that they should never loosen the purse strings for this kind of endeavour again. This is why it makes no sense to me to go PG-13, they will have to cut the gore factor. On the one hand you have the possibility of larger box office because of the youth audience, but you estrange the hardcore fan. Sure there will no doubt be a director’s cut, but many fans may just wait for that rather than go to the theatre in this economic climate. Huge box office for this film is essential , please go see it.

5). The primary problem with today’s zombie cinema is the repetition of the basic premise. The standard scenario goes something like this: a varied group of people band together to survive the apocalypse, along the way they run into numerous obstacles. They then overcome them with varying degrees of success. For these films to continue and flourish imagination is required. The zombie stories, not the zombies themselves have to evolve.
The zombie apocalypse can be likened to World War II. Everyone knows what happened in World War II, yet stories about it remain interesting because of the slice of life pieces of those involved. New and interesting stories about individuals and groups must be told. A fine example of this is “Dead Men Walking” where the action takes place inside a prison. If you want to survive you have to not only get past the zombies, but escape the prison as well. This is a new and fresh angle that certainly kept my interest throughout. There are no limits to the kind of stories yet to be told except those in the film maker’s imagination.

I mentioned that the zombies themselves don’t have to evolve and I meant it. I hate running, and or acrobatic, wall crawling zombies. The running zombie is akin to the sparkly vampire. Some would opine that it isn’t difficult to escape the lumbering, lurching Romero zombie. At least some humans would survive. The running zombie is almost impossible to escape in large numbers. It is difficult to tell a zombie story when all the humans are dead. Which would be a scarier nightmare for you? Something is chasing you, you are staying ahead of it, but it is tireless and relentless. You know that if you rest or screw up it will catch you. Or…something is chasing you, it’s got you. You’re dead. I don’t even consider runners zombies, they belong in the viral pathogen out of control group.

As we have seen, certain undead individuals like Bub in “Day Of The Dead” retain vestiges of their former selves to a greater or lesser degree. This is an area that demands more exploration, as the master himself, Romero, attempts in each of his successive film. I would implore the film maker to work with, and not around, established canon. Zombies can’t talk. If you make a zombie talk it is like making a werewolf fly. It is both unnecessary and impossible. Live with it. Dispense with the audacity and hubris which walks hand in hand with the auteur.

5.) Finally, bear this in mind; a zombie film is like any other film. You need a strong screenplay full of interesting characters that you can genuinely care about. The viewer must care for the characters in order for their death to have substance. This seems elementary, yet it is forgotten in so many of these films. When done properly you get a quality film even if the budget isn’t large, an example of this is the highly entertaining Greek film, “Evil”.

In the end though I don’t see much changing, everyone wants to make a buck. Inferior films will be released simply to cash in on the zombie phenomena. While many will be cringe inducing, many promising films are on the horizon. The “Re-Kill” promos look awesome, and my fingers are crossed for “World War Z”. I probably shouldn’t bitch too much were it not so I would be out of a reviewer’s job.