At a zombie themed convention in Seattle I was lucky enough to be part of a panel focused on zombies and post-apocalyptic literature. One of the questions asked was: “If a loved one were to be bitten, during a zombie apocalypse, how would you handle them?â€
I sat and listed to some very thoughtful answers from my peers and tried to decide what I would do if my spouse were to meet such an end. Would I shoot her in the head? Run away, hide in an empty house and write a journal? Could I even look at her? After what seemed an eternity, I came up with my answer.
I would make the hard decision to dress her in a grass skirt, a coconut bra, and tie her to a tree.
Oh hold your gasps and let me explain.
First of all, zombies are silly. Yes they are. The classic zombie is often thought of as the shambling corpse we all saw in Night of the Living Dead. It has a face and in some cases it was someone we may have known. That’s just one of the many terrifying aspects of zombies. But let’s face it. A zombie is about as scary as a falling down drunk with teething issues. Even a hoard can be outsmarted, or outrun if you have the proper shoes and a suitable regiment of training under your belt.
The unwritten rule of zombie is that you are allowed to kill them. Rule one should have been. “If it’s undead, aim for the head.†But what if it’s someone you have loved for decades, someone you have had children with, someone you have woken up to every day of the week. If that someone becomes a walking corpse, are you really going to whip out the old shotgun and blast the top of their head off? No. So why not have a bit of fun with them? After all, they have been by your side through thick and thin.
Now it’s time to get even.
In the event you are able to subdue your wandering, and suddenly much more ‘bitey’ love, you should try to be gentle. If that doesn’t work try a baseball bat. But go easy, once you bash in their brains it’s game over.
Now that you have your zombie in check, let’s go over some safety rules.
- First, get something on those chompers. We’ve all seen the movies, we know you can’t turn your back on him or her for even a second. So go ahead and open up the bottom drawer next to the bed, you know the one. Take out the ball-gag that hasn’t been used since the 90’s and employ it.
- Keep her secure. You can always lock her in a closet, but then you have to put up with constant – though slow – banging as she walks into the door over and over and OVER again. If you have other bondage gear, you know – besides the ball gag, this is the perfect opportunity to dust it off. A pair of handcuffs works great and you can use these to secure her to something like a hook in the ceiling. If you stretch her arms high enough, she won’t be able to wander very far. And as an added bonus, you are no longer sleeping alone at night … ahh love. Isn’t it wonderful?
- If you have a feisty one, you may need better binding. Try a few mental facilities, chances are they have a couple of straitjackets lying around. Just tell them you are a fan of Harry Houdini and want to reenact some of his greatest escapes. Don’t mention your zombie or you run the risk of staying at the establishment for much longer than intended.
- Sick of how your former flame looks? Or maybe when he rolls his eyes one of them pops right out of the socket. Remember the mask with the zipper for a mouth guard? Don’t be shy. He used to make you wear it so now it’s his turn. And if your ‘Gimp’ is noisy, you can keep the zipper sealed because he doesn’t need to breath. As an added bonus, you can put whatever kind of makeup you want on ole grumpy face.
- Keep an enema bag on hand. If your zombie happens to get out, and consumes meat, (be it living or dead), be prepared to deal with an unholy stench as the food rots in her gut. Using an enema bag down the old gullet can help clean her right out. Just be careful when you hang her upside down. Depending on size, you may need assistance.
- Invest in a large can of room deodorizer. Sure, Max smelled great when he was alive thanks to Old Spice. Trust me, you will be much happier when he is coated in a fresh layer of Lysol. Just be careful with open flames.
Life doesn’t have to be all bad. There are a lot of advantages to having an undead spouse. You can continue to claim them on your tax return, and they won’t ever ask you questions like “how was your day, Dear?†If you ever need someone to talk to, all you have to do is turn on the closet light and say your peace. Then leave them to their mindless moans and groans.
I told you zombies were silly and I suppose the fact that I write about them makes me a silly man. Let’s face it. If I wrote this article about living people, I would be under psychiatric observation faster than you can say Romero. If a woman with a nice voice had written it, she could charge a couple of bucks a minute while talking about it on the phone.
Logo generously donated by Daniel Galli.
