First, on behalf of my organization, The Zombie Rights Campaign, I just want to thank you, the BuyZombie readership, for giving us a chance to talk to you about this most weighty and important subject. We obviously may not all see eye-to-eye on the issue of Zombie Rights, but the ZRC appreciates the opportunity to open a positive and meaningful dialogue with other enthusiasts of Zombies and their Culture.
At The Zombie Rights Campaign, we’re not entirely unlike your average Zombie ‘Fan’. We appreciate good storytelling, production values, even special effects, and can easily acknowledge the difference in quality between, say, “Night of the Living Dead†and “Zombies Gone Wildâ€. George Romero is a talented director; Tom Savini is a mechanical genius. Robert Kirkman is a gifted author with an eye for the suffering of conflicted individuals. But think for just a moment about the impact that the work they’ve chosen to create has on the average, all-American Zombie Joe or Jane, Unliving out there in our society today. In this case, let’s talk about ‘Bob’:
A Day in the Unlife of the ‘Living Dead’
‘Bob’ is a Zombie here in America. Bob has an average white collar office job, dealing mostly with paperwork, in a mid-sized firm somewhere in the Midwest.
He enjoys movies, listens mostly to classic rock, and watches the local sports team (no hints), but only when they’re in the playoffs, which isn’t all that often.
Bob died some time ago, but it wasn’t permanent. Why did he come back? It might have been a meteor, or alien influence, or the Army misplacing a barrel of experimental chemicals; it’s not important for our story. What’s important is that Bob goes to work each day, pays his taxes, tucks his Zombie kids in bed each night, and even pays for *most* of the music he downloads.
He’s a Zombie, not a saint, cut him some slack.
Now let’s take a look at how the pervasive Anti-Zombie culture we have here in America affects an average Zombie individual like Bob as he goes about an average day:
Bob gets up just before his alarm was meant to go off, at 6:59 PM. Why this always happens on weekdays no one man, Living or Zombie, knows; it’s one of the universe’s enduring mysteries.
Bob manages to read a little bit of the paper; the mayor is embroiled in scandal, people are arguing over taxes, potholes are going unpaved and so forth. The first sign that this is going to be a bad day comes from the Entertainment section whose headline reads: “Zombies Invade Your Televisionâ€, and whose first page features lurid pictures of heavily made-up actors jerkily shambling down the fake streets of a Southern city.
“Why the South?†Bob wonders, idly. “It’s almost always the South these days; even Romero was hung-up on Florida. Weird.â€
Bob’s reading is interrupted by the daily chores of getting the kids ready for the bus, and then it’s off to work. (The only time you’ll see Zombie kids move as slowly as horror directors think they do is when it’s time to go to school in the morning).
Traffic is pretty bad, so Bob turns on the radio, and a Rob Zombie song comes on. Rob Zombie’s ok with, even if he is a bit of a carpetbagger to the Zombie Community. The DJs start yammering after the song though, and all they want to talk about is “The Walking Deadâ€, which broke some kind of ratings record the night before (which explains the newspaper Bob got this morning). Bob listens for a bit while waiting to merge into another lane, but turns off the stereo when the talking heads wax nostalgic about a Youtube compilation of every Zombie ‘kill’ on the show to date.
Naturally one of the ‘personalities’ quoted the infamous Sheriff’s line from “Night of the Living Dead†to describe the television ‘Zombies’:
“Yeah, they’re dead. They’re all messed up.â€
At work things go the way they always do. Papers get filed, memos get passed around. Someone forwards an email with a link to the ‘funny’ Walking Dead video on Youtube, which puts Bob off his lunch.
No, it wasn’t brains.
Gary, the guy in the cubicle next to Bob, spends a solid half hour talking with one of his nerdy friends about playing “Left 4 Dead 2†after work. It isn’t the first time, and Bob has gained a great deal of knowledge second-hand about how to use a machete to kill virtual Zombies.
The afternoon’s tedium is punctuated by a call from the kids’ school: Bob’s son has gotten into a fight after the other kids wanted to play “Resident Evil†during recess. No points for guessing who they wanted to be the Zombie. A Parent-Teacher conference will be required. Bob resigns himself to a lengthy discussion about kids being kids, Cowboys and Indians, how Milla Jovovich has a ‘great smile’ or some other euphemism.
Again, it wouldn’t be the first time; last month it was “Zombielandâ€.
Bob wraps up his reports a bit early and heads home. Tomorrow is another day, and he can always get an early start then. Besides, he needs to have a ‘talk’ with his teenage daughter about how Trash from “Return of the Living Dead†is not, in fact, an appropriate role model. Bob doesn’t even know where you buy punk clothes like that these days; Goodwill, maybe. The awkward father-daughter conversation to come depresses his spirits further.
On the blessedly short pre-rush hour drive home, Bob starts wondering if that crazy old Sheriff was on to something. “We are dead, or were, anyway,†he muses. “Are we all messed up? Are we always going to be?â€
Bob turns his car into the driveway and tries to put these thoughts out of his mind. It’s time for this particular Zombie, messed up or not, to spend time with his family.
The ZRC asks that you think of Zombies like Bob when spending your hard-earned entertainment dollars. Bob’s Unlife isn’t so bad, and he’s not complaining; he’s a pretty happy Zombie. But being the subject of derision and the ‘acceptable’ target in so many books, movies and videogames can make it hard for Zombies in our society to hold their heads up high and maintain their self-esteem. Please keep Zombies in mind, and don’t leave your conscience at home when you go out to the video store. The Zombie Rights Movement thanks you for your time and your consideration.
