WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON AN EGYPTIAN WEBSITE A FEW WEEKS AGO AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE! JUST SAYING.
Mike: (English accent) Greetings and salutations. He’s not Mike.
Ike: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike, and we wanna give thanks, money and possibly sexual favors ta the folks here at buyzombie.com for givin’ us a whole new audience ta annoy.
(Editor’s note: We didn’t take them up on the offer for sexual favors. Who knows what diseases these 2 carry!)
M: To be honest, when we were first asked to do a piece here, we had to seriously consider it because, full disclosure here, neither Isaac nor I are huge zombie fans.
I: Now, don’t think it’s cause we’re disgusted by the gut munchin’.
M: Nothing could be further from the truth.
I: We’re all for explorin’ the finer points of cannibalism.
M: Which is why we’re not allowed near elementary schools anymore.
I: Our big issue with zombie flicks is pretty much the same we have with horror flicks in general.
M: We’ve said this numerous times in numerous places, but you need to have some sort of connection to characters in order to care when nasty things happen to them and, for the most part, characters in horror films are…well…
I: Dumb ass douchebags?
M: That works.
I: And we’re kinda sick a cheerin’ when the red runs.
M: We would like to be genuinely disturbed occasionally.
I: That bein’ said, there are a few zombie flicks we really like and so, Mike & Ike, in association with BuyZombie.com and Aunt Edna’s Butter Crusted Lard Flakes–
M: The breakfast cereal for people who’ve just given up.
I: Are proud ta present
Both: XENU’S ZOMBIE ZEALOTS: THE GREATEST ZOMBIE FILMS IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY PERIOD!
I: In no particular order.
DAY OF THE DEAD
M: And no, we aren’t talking about the partial birth abortion that is the 2008 remake.
I: We already threw up all over that in one a our podcasts.
M: The original Romero film is, as far as we’re concerned, the best of his zombie series.
I: And here’s the thing, except for the helicopter pilots, who are just kinda there, all the characters in this are assholes.
M: But it works.
I: Because Day of the Dead feels like the world has ended.
M: You believe that these people could possibly be the last living humans on the planet.
I: And, as such, they would be a little freaked out, right?
M: The tension builds from the opening credits.
I: And God knows that’s rare.
M: And if you listen to the George Romero special episode of The Gentlemen’s Grindhouse podcast, besides getting some great analysis of the original trilogy, you’ll hear us talking about Romero’s original script for Day.
I: All we’re gonna say here is we read it, and we’re glad he didn’t make it.
ZOMBIELAND
I: OK, yeah, the chicks turnin’ on everything at the amusement park is quite possibly the STUPIDEST FRAKKIN’ THING we’ve seen someone do in a horror flick in years.
M: And this is in a genre predominantly populated with idiots.
I: But it’s okay, cause ALL the characters are idiots in this.
M: But they’re likeable idiots.
I: Best work Woody Harrelson’s done since Natural Born Killers.
M: For me it’s his best work since Money Train.
SHORT PAUSE
I: I’m gonna ignore that.
M: Good idea.
LIGHTER. INHALE
M: What I liked most about this film is the fact that they gave a simple, quick explanation for the zombie epidemic. Mad cow became mad person became mad zombie.
I: (EXHALING) For me it was Bill Murray raggin’ on Garfield. I mean, everybody else does. Good ta know he’s in on the joke.
M: He probably started it.
I: For our final flick, we’re gonna take a look at a creepy little zombie short that flew in under the radar back in 2009.
M: We’re speaking, of course, about the one WE did.
SURPRISE
M: Now you may think that we’re being a couple of self whoring bastards here.
I: Which we are.
M: But according to people we did not pay, Surprise is “creepy,” “atmospheric,” “Val Lewton-y,” and “much creepier than Paranormal Activity.”
I: Which we’re quite proud of.
M: Of course, an episode of Golden Girls is creepier than Paranormal Activity.
I: Again, accordin’ ta people we didn’t pay, with one actress, one camera, no zombies, and a budget that couldn’t buy us a pack a smokes, we were able ta create somethin’ emotionally disturbin’.
M: Fuck you, Steve Miner.
I: And if we’ve intrigued ya at all, ya can watch Surprise here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdn7nNOQC0M
M: And if you like THAT our newest horror short Skeletons can be found here http://www.horror-extreme.com/blog/index.php/2011/02/horror-extreme-exclusive-skeletons/
I: GOD, we are whores.
M: And on that note
BOTH: Namaste.
