Begin Rant
I don’t turn 40 until next year, so at the risk of sounding like an old cranky bastard, I’m just going to get this off my chest now…
What in the hell has happened to modern horror movies, and more specifically, modern zombie movies??
Has anyone else noticed the drop in quality lately? Oh, I know there have been a few decent zombie movies to come out recently. Shaun of the Dead (classic), Zombieland (funniest zombie movie ever), and the Dawn of the Dead remake (one of the few remakes to best the original). But, take a look at the racks at your video store (if you still use them) or check out Netflix or Amazon or the library or whatever outlet you get your movies from. Check out the zombie offerings. What do you see?
Crap. Absolute, unadulterated monkey shit.
Here is a list of some of the newer offerings, in case you missed them:
- Abraham Lincoln Vs.Zombies
- Aaaah, Zombies
- Bloodlust zombies
- Zombie Town
- Zombies Anonymous
- Zombie Nation
- The Zombie Farm
I could go on, but honestly, I have too much respect for myself, and for you. My point is, we are being swamped with absolute garbage. Thanks to the advent of cheap video equipment and the internet, just about any frat boy with a camcorder can make, market and distribute their own zombie opus. Script? Who needs a damn script? Character development? Tension? Decent acting? Pfft. Just slap some dark eyeshadow and red karo syrup on a few friends, go out to a secluded location and boom! Ninety minutes of crap.
Don’t we deserve better?
Don’t we, as true horror fans, deserve more than poorly written and cheaply made garbage? Even beyond lousy zombie movies, but to all horror movies, don’t we deserve more? Why in the hell is Paranormal Activity up to a fourth movie? Six SAW’s? Seriously? Is this what you want the face of horror movies to be?
I say no. Not only no, but hell no.
Want to know how to stop it? Easy. Stop renting these crap movies! Have some pride in yourself, and your genre. If it has the word ZOMBIE in the title, there is a better than good chance that it will suck donkey nuts (Zombieland being a very rare exception). Just because it has zombies in it, does not mean it needs to be seen. This, I cannot stress enough. Avoid the crap. In any genre. Avoid a movie with more than two sequels. Avoid remakes. Eventually, the people who make movies will learn what normal everyday horror hounds like us are looking for. But we need to stay vigilant. We need to avoid most, if not all, of the straight-to-DVD market. If you find out about a movie that strikes your interest, make sure you see it in the theatres. Twice, if need be. Show the cocaine-addled morons who run Hollywood what you insist on seeing.
Now, I understand there is an exception to every rule, and I’m sure there were a few straight-to-DVD horror films that were a decent watch, but when you consider the ratio of movies released to actual watchable movies, you will find the numbers are painfully low. If you DO find a hidden gem in the $5 bargain bin at your local super-massive box store, then by all means SHARE it with the world. Tell your friends about it. Tweet about it. Make people curious about it. This is how we weed out the crap to find the jewels. I can’t do it alone (and God knows I’ve tried). I need your help. This will take every horror junkie out there. Please. Stop paying for this crap. We are better than this. Horror is better than this. Make them give us something better.
Thus endeth the rant…
