You need to kill zombies, and you need to kill them right now. Why are you still reading this introduction? There are zombies coming, man, and you need to know how to use all the junk around your house to end their lifeless lives before they eat your brains. Here we go:
Ikea Chair: Obviously you can’t just hit a zombie with this chair — it’s from Ikea and therefore not made of real wood. Instead, break off one of the legs and stab the zombie in the eye.
Taylor Swift’s 1989: Just press play. Zombie suicide.
Toothpaste: Did you ever think zombies were just trying to get some clean teeth? What do you have to lose? Squeeze a bottle in its mouth and see what happens.
Flashlight: You could bash a zombie’s head in with the blunt end of a Maglite. Or just shine it on your slower friend who was going to get the whole group killed anyway.
Fleshlight: Put that back, you nasty.
Giant Rug: Roll a zombie up and toss it down the stairs. It may not die, but it sure would be funny to see a zombie burrito roll down the stairs.
Chef’s Knife: Mince a fresh red onion with your chef’s knife, and watch the zombie cry over the onion. This gives you the perfect opportunity to stab it through its tears.
MacBook Pro: Tell the zombie about how you owned an Apple computer before it was cool. No zombie wants to spend time with hipsters, so it will run away.
Samsung Galaxy Note: It comes with a stylus pen. This is clearly for stabbing.
Tesla Model S: Run zombies over in pure silence. Electric cars don’t make any noise, so they won’t hear you coming (plus you help the environment).
“Going Rogue” by Sarah Palin: You were never going to read this and only accepted it from your grandpa to be nice. Put it to good use by bashing in some zombie skulls instead.
Tumblr.com: Let the zombie know you may be human but identify as non-human. It won’t know how to act and will politely leave out of political correctness.
Katana: No jokes here. Take a swing and slice ’em up like Michonne.
Baseball Bat: Get really good and join the Tampa Bay Rays. No zombie will ever find its way to Tropicana Field.
Bow and Arrow: You know you have this in your house because you secretly (or not so secretly) love “The Hunger Games.”
Crossbow: I know this is sitting right next to that bow and arrow. Aim well, Darryl.
Legos: Just throw ’em on the ground. I don’t care if you’re a human or a zombie, stepping on one of these blocks with bare feet kills.
Hot Coffee: If you believe zombies decay over time, a pot of this will melt the older ones like they’re the Wicked Witch of the West.
Iced Coffee: It’s disgusting, and zombies will hate it.
Fence Posts: Remember that scene from “Planet of the Apes” (the new one) where the chimps all grab spear posts off the zoo fence? That was awesome.
That Silver Dollar Your Uncle Gave You When You Were Ten: One good wind up and a strike to the head will do the trick.
Your Manly Fists: Of course, you can punch a zombie to death. There is no manlier way to survive.
Love: This almost worked in “I Am Legend” . . . until it didn’t (and yes, I know those were technically vampires).
If none of these work, you can always just use your gun if you’re all about taking the easy road. Happy hunting.
