SPOOKIES comes direct via VHS, from the “glory days” of the mid-1980s, when any groupa kids with a camera and some gumption could make a movie, and genre movies were all one-word plurals. GOONIES. GREMLINS. CRITTERS. GHOULIES. SPOOKIES was definitely made in the EVIL DEAD vein, with a group of folks trapped by an evil spirit in a remote location. It looks as cheap as EVIL DEAD, but whereas both were filmed for a $1.50, EVIL DEAD is miles ahead by comparison. SPOOKIES direction is static, the scenes are framed poorly, the people portraying the characters aren’t actors. Or at least not good ones.
EVIL DEAD only had 5 people trapped, and they were all mostly sympathetic. This one has TWO carloads of people, none of whom seem to belong in the same social circle. One car is filled with nominal “teens who like to party,” the ringleader of which, Duke, might possibly have been played by the Situation’s uncle. The other car following them has two middle aged couples. Yes, they are all together, Duke alluding early on that he was going to help them “party.” It is never once explained WHY they are all together to party–is Duke their dealer, a paid guide, their son whom they have way too close a relationship with? I realize this is low budget horror, but damn, yo, throw a brother a narrative bone, boo!
And did I mention how badly I wanted to see all of them die in the first five minutes? I mean, they do all eventually die, but I seriously hoped they would all die in the actual first five minutes, making this a really bad short film instead of a really bad feature.
So they get stranded at this mansion which is conveniently located in the middle of a cemetery in the middle of nowhere. In said mansion lives an old, haggard dude who uses black magic to preserve his long lost love from 70 years ago, and uses his evil undead minions, and a weird Ouija board looking thing, to procure the life force of the living to help bring her back to life. He does lots of menacing voice-overs to help us follow the plot, but sounds like Henry Kissinger yelling into an empty coffee tin. And by minions, I mean minion. A pasty guy with plastic vampire fangs, a fake leather pirate vest and puffy shirt, in addition to a Party City pirate hookhand shoved into his shirt sleeve.
Go ahead, read the box–all the eponymous spookies? All plural on the box, but singular in the movie. Reapers? One reaper. Spiderwomen? Ein spiderfrau. Muck men? Uno hombre el mucko. And so on. There is only one hellish lizard that I saw, although there may be multiple demons–I fell asleep for about 5 minutes, so I may be an unreliable demon counter.
There were however multiple zombies at the climax, which I will hand to the director, was not horrible. It wasn’t great, but I could see how one might enjoy it if one were of the right mind to enjoy it. See, not horrible.
And by zombies I mean lots of bug-eyed extras in dark makeup and flannel shirts who slowly stalk and overwhelm the reanimated bride. She actually did an OK job; it’s a shame she didn’t do more acting. I looked her up on IMDB afterward, and aside from occasional low budget movies and a role in what appears to be a Lifetime Lesbian Women in Prison movie from the early 90s, she might just have fallen off the face of the earth.
The humans in this movie might get outwitted by a bale of peat moss. When evil strikes, run OUT of the house, not further INTO it. When one of your party gets injured by a grim reaper statue come to life, make haste, don’t say “I guess we should go in here” like you’re going into the men’s room at Macy’s, then open the nearest door and casually walk in. Either throw the injured lass over your shoulder and haul ass, or leave her there for zombie food. Dummy.
And seriously, it shouldn’t be hard to escape. How do they get trapped in the rooms? Well, the hook handed minion stands on the other side of the door and HOLDS THE DOORKNOB REALLY HARD so you can’t get out. Yeah, he uses the same ploy that a sixth grader would use on his younger sister. Seriously, dude, he’s only got one good hand, and he’s short and pasty! My kid could take him!
All that said, the special effects were pretty nifty considering the budgetary constraints and general overall lack of talent involved in this. It is ironic, I must note, that some of the cast and crew went on to work on STREET TRASH, a film I will hold dear to my heart til my last dying day. THAT movie meets and exceeds the grimy standard set by TOXIC AVENGER. Seek it out, it will edify you and provide a clear map by which to guide your life.
SPOOKIES, however, will not. When I pulled this out of the drawer, I was surprised that I had never heard of it. Then I watched it. I am no longer surprised I never heard of it. It’s pretty crappy. And I coulda used my FROMMER’S NEW JERSEY TO ENGLISH TOURIST TRANSLATION GUIDE whenever Duke spoke. Whatta mook.
